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Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Have you considered including a few social bookmarking buttons to these blogs. At the very least for facebook.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

I am not young enough to know everything.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist � and better tools.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Why don't you write books people can read?

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

This site has got lots of really helpful info on it. Thank you for helping me.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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